Pausing to preserve ourselves

I’ve used the ‘take a break’ function on Facebook for the first time today, not even knowing about it before this morning, reducing what I can see from someone I’ve considered a friend for years. Some things he did and then doubled down on some weeks ago left me feeling deeply betrayed and profoundly upset, and though I’m not angry with him, being reminded of it through Mr Zuckerberg's algorithms is scraping at the wound and keeping the grief alive.

I’m not great with trust, to be blunt; people who know me well know that, and know why, and know too how hard I’ve worked to make trusting easier for me than my more instinctive suspicion, such that realising that confidence in a person’s judgement and character has been misplaced hurts maybe more than it should. It doesn't help, I suppose, that it comes no time at all after being let down by others, folk in positions of responsibility and care, who seem more inclined to be guilty of oversight than to engage in the oversight that they're called to.

It’s tricky. We’re meant to forgive; it’s not just that it’s what’s expected of us, but it’s what’s good for us. I don’t think this is about forgiveness, though, so much as about self-preservation; it’s about realising that I’d put someone a pedestal and invested a foolish degree of hope in them, that they’re not very special after all, and that it’s better to keep a certain distance from people we no longer trust.

And maybe, if we’re going to be exposed constantly to the thoughts and ideas and news of others, we should take care to curate such exposure to those who feed us, and those who we feed in turn. If we can’t be sure others will look after our hearts, maybe we should guard them better.

Maybe.