27 May 2009

Aghast at Amazon

I was delighted to discover the other day -- don't ask how -- that some of my favourite Amazon products are still on sale, complete with comedic reviews. They're well worth the inspection. Here are five gems that you might be tempted to buy, with samples from reviews...

The Very Best of David Hasslehoff
'I suppose this could be called a fusion album. As David demonstrates a perfect example of the German sense for melody and delicate phrasing while blending them with American, early 80's, big haired, tight trousered RRRock. I love this album and play it at least 10 times a day, every day throughout what has been a very difficult time for me. My family and then my pets have left me, my neighbours curse at me in the street and birds no longer land in my garden. But through it all I just keep on playing the Hoff. Play this album once and you will never buy another one again.'

The Holy Bible: King James Version
'For those of you who don't know, this is God's second novel after the Old Testament. It's a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He's become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn't throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book. '

Oddly, other versions of the Bible don't seem to have attracted the same derision.

'This is the stuff that makes great men so great. Should be a required reading for leaders of men. Presidential material. I found it so rich and powerful that I had to take seven minutes to reflect and decide what to do next.'

Penetrating Wagner's Ring: An Anthology, by John L. Digaetani
'Until recently, Wagner's ring has been difficult for most of us to penetrate. Access to his darkest area has traditionally been restricted to those lucky few capable of maintaining strong, determined strokes of scholarly investigation. Happily, DiGaetani provides everyone - including the most intellectually well-endowed amongst us - with the tools needed to effortlessly prize apart Wagner's ring and plunder its forbidden contents. DiGaetani's main thrust shows that perseverance and a firm-hand are all that is needed to enter Wagner. Oiled with this literary lubricant, you will find yourself repeatedly sliding deep into Wagner's ring until a satisfying climax is reached.'

Another review wonders why there is a Klingon on the front cover. Of course, you haven't really heard Wagner unless you've heard him in the original Klingon.

The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by Don Colbert
'For many years I suffered the agonizing pain that accompanies IBS. Little did I know that the answers to all my problems could be found within the "Good Book" that had been on my bookshelf since I was a child. Although I had read the Bible from cover to cover, it wasn't until I picked up Dr. Colbert's miriculous journal that I realized Jesus wasn't too busy healing cripples and raising from the dead to concern himself with curing explosive diarrhea as well. Taken directly from the pages of the four gospels, as well as the newly discovered Gospel According to Bucky, this book is a must have for anyone who has ever crapped their pants before making it to the John.'

Yep, all true. More tomorrow, while I think of it, in rather more surreal and less offensive vein.

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