28 May 2009

Aghast at Amazon, Part 2

Of course, Amazon sells things other than books. Like staples, say, or Sigmund Freud action figures. The latter are particularly promising, especially if you team them up with other toys, as this fellow does:

'This toy is lots of fun. I like to play with it using my old GIJOE toys. My favorite scenario is to have Sigmund Freud kill off Cobra Commander, and then take his place as leader of Cobra: The Enemy. With his cigar, he works really well as an evil villain. (Plus, he likes to torture the good guys that they capture by tying them up and putting his cigar out on their bare chest.)

It is lots of fun to play with. The final battle usually takes place on the rug at the foot of my bed (which substitutes for a jungle), where Snake-Eyes challenges Sigmund Freud to a duel in order to avenge the death of Duke and all the other Joes. (Snake-Eyes is always the only surviving Joe left.) Sigmund Freud then tries some ninja moves to kick Snake-Eyes' rear, but Snake Eyes beats the crap out of him. It finally ends with Snake Eyes using his sword to gut Sigmund Freud, as his sword slowly slides out of his bloody entrails. It really is a lot of fun!

Sometimes I do a Transformer Crossover Universe, where Megatron comes in and has Sigmund Freud join him in some plot to obtain energy in order to build the ultimate weapon and take control the universe. The Joes always have to go get help from Optimus Prime, who always puts a stop to this plot just at the last minute, but not before his arm gets chopped off in battle. (I am actually missing Optimus' arm in real life, so that's why this always happens in the story.) '

You'd buy that, wouldn't you?

What other treasures does Amazon have to offer? Well, if I can just pick half a dozen, with sample reviews to tempt you...

Uranium Ore
'Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too. Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants! Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils. And the darn trash man refuses to take them away...

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.'

Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen
'Worked fine with my right hand, but when I came to use my left hand my writing came out looking like the work of a complete imbecile. I can only assume Bic have created a right-handed only pen, and would caution left-handers to "try before you buy".'

The Classic Cremation Urn
'Mom proudly displays Dad in this urn in her assisted living apartment.

After keeping Dad in a cardboard cylinder in the garage on the workbench near his tools, where he was most at home for a couple of years, Mom had to move to an assisted living facility. Since she talks to him every day, we had to prepare Dad for the move. He wasn't too happy about it, and he was pretty upset that we spent so much money for his new home, especially since the old one was free from the crematorium. He also wasn't too happy about being stuck in the same room with Mom all the time, because now he'd have to listen to her talking all day.

When I told him the urn was pretty soundproof, he said ok. So I poured him in. He just fit, but I spilled a little of him on the workbench.He was ok with that.

I guess we'll get the matching one for Mom when the time comes. Dad said to wait for a good sale, and be sure there's enough room for a phone so she won't nag him all day.

Dad, it's been almost 5 years, and I miss you like it was yesterday. Mom doesn't miss you so much. To her, you're still there.'

Elk Carcass
'When it comes to carcasses, nothing beats elk. I've ordered deer carcasses, goat carcasses, drifter carcasses, but honestly, I just love my elk. I was like a kid on Christmas morning when that exhausted UPS delivery boy hauled that package out of his truck and collapsed in my driveway. I was a little disappointed when I discovered that it only came with four oranges because the product image clearly depicts five. All in all though, the oranges aren't what mattered, I just chuck those at neighbor kids on skateboards. The carcass was perfect! I thanked that UPS delivery man who was lying there dying in my driveway and I went inside to do whatever it is people do with elk carcasses.'

Curiously, the photo of the Elk Carcass is identical to the one of the Venison Carcass produced by the same people. I'm just saying.

Tuscan Whole Milk
'I find the used milk to be just as good as the new stuff. Who needs a sealed lid and so what if there's some missing. The chunks sift out easily too. Save money, buy used.'

This may be my favourite of them all. The sheer range of reviews is infinitely hilarious. But what reminded me of these absurdities is this wonderful item of apparel...

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt
'This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.'

I reckon the shirt would go great with some Zubaz pants.

1 comment:

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