07 March 2009

Beautiful ladies in danger...

...danger all round the world...

So I was chatting to NMRboy the other evening, and he was explaining my manly duties to me. Apparently -- and I've managed to hit a sprightly four hundred and seven years old without knowing this -- it is my duty as a man to vote in the FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll.

Well, I said, if it's my duty, I'd better find out what's involved, so over I moseyed to the FHM site, there to peruse the shortlist. I hadn't even known there was a shortlist, but I suppose it makes sense that there is one, as otherwise all the lads would surely just vote for their girlfriends, wouldn't they, or maybe ex-girlfriends they're hung up on, or even random pretty girls they might occasionally bump into in the library or the computer cluster or the pub, say.

Although my flatmate's none too impressed by my forays into the world of FHM polls, feeling it's deeply sexist, it was an interesting foray, and I have to say that I learned a lot. Who would have thought that the Queen owned not merely all the swans in Britain, but all the dolphins, porpoises, and sturgeon? Or that one lady could be so diversely talented as to be a qualified nurse, to possess a degree in microbiology, and to be able to put her legs behind her head? Or that, well, um, I can't really remember.

The thing is, I got pretty irate rather quickly just looking at the list. How had it been drawn up? What manner of methodology had been used? Putting it very bluntly, why do the Saturdays count as one woman -- have they only one personality between them or something?

The list is notable for its absences, it has to be said. Where are Michelle Pfeiffer, who even if she's been to the shop at some point surely still has a portrait in her attic, Kristin Scott Thomas, who is as beautifully brittle as ever, and my beloved Allison Janney? Please don't tell me its because of their age, because the Queen is on the list -- the Queen, I ask you, of whom FHM notes 'If you’re looking for a lady with more than just money and power, take a look at pictures of Brenda from the fifties. She had it. And yes, you most definitely would.'

Where are Claire Danes and Rosamund Pike? Where are the classic proverbial either/or duo of Eliza Dushku and Kirsten Dunst? Where's Amy Adams? Alyson Hannigan? Grace Park? Where are Sophie Marceau and Julie Delpy and Juliette Binoche? And Emmanuelle Beart? Seriously...

Look, don't get me wrong. Charlize Theron is still there, as are Christina Hendricks, and Heather Graham, and Kristin Kreuk, and Monica Belucci, and Lena Headey, and a legion of ladies of whom I've never heard. But the thing is, I don't understand the absences from the shortlist. And most of all, how I don't understand how I can fairly be asked to cast my vote for the world's sexiest women based on a list that includes Sienna Miller but excludes the peerless Sienna Guillory, she of the porcelain skin and the exquisite cheekbones, inspirationally cast a few years back as Helen of Troy.


I mean, come on!

2 comments:

Tom said...

we should rig it so the queen wins. I want to see the Queen named FHM's sexiest lady. Don't you?

The Thirsty Gargoyle said...

I could live with that. It'd be almost as good as 'A Nation Once Again' being the world's best song.