And so it ends. 16 September 2001 to 2 September 2006, give or take. Five years here as a student, three-and-a-half of those as an allegedly part-time tutor too, though the duration of that'll vary depending on who you ask.
I'll miss the place, of course, but truth be told I'll be glad to be gone. It hadn't been the plan, but things have changed, and it's definitely time to move on. Having supervisors and an amazing girlfriend to see I'll frequently be back in Manchester of course -- in three weeks for starters, when I'll have a meeting to attend -- but I wouldn't put money on my ever setting foot here ever again.
Still, I'll miss the place, but as it was, not as it's becoming.
So many memories...
Addressing the external Senior Common Room on the nature of Greek battle, and being complimented even months afterwards by people who had expected an agonisingly tedious talk... Orchestrating the capture of someone who'd burgled the place more than half a dozen times, and later being thanked for doing so by the City of Manchester, our boy having gone down for three-and-a-half years... Discovering not just a long-forgotten signed Thomas Hardy book, but actually finding a letter from the great village atheist himself...
Receiving the first copy of my Cannae book in the post, having the first girls to whom I showed it gasp 'You're so cool!', with Elizabeth and John inviting me round to the flat so I could show it to them... Not merely being in my first play since I was a child, but sitting in Leila's room and suggesting that that play be done in the first place, making props, being typecast, laughing too much, being told off in the nicest possible way, and one very memorable hug...
My first time as a quizmaster, struggling to be heard in the dining hall... Alex holding the aerial high in a desperate and heroic quest for a reception as I made my British TV debut on Channel Five... Seeing the golden pheasant, and even photographing it in the bushes... Proving a remarkably good shot at Lazerquest - at least until my pack broke... Proving an even better shot when shooting clay pigeons at Eddie's stag do, before he inconveniently mangled his ankle... Sitting in the Queen of Hearts with a frustrated Paul, watching Ireland beat England for the first of four times in my time in Ashburne and Sheavyn...
Learning to make coddle, and then over time inflicting it on twenty-five people... Regaling Jenny with a potted and comedic account of that masterpiece that is The Pursuit of Diarmuid and Grainne... Going for dinner and drinks with Shaw's parents... Ballroom dancing classes and waltzing in the dining hall with Nadia... Anna drunkenly insulting the boys in the common room... Answering the door to a pantomime horse... A letter from one of my sisters, years ago, so kind that it made me cry... The night we all think of as the Doctor's last one... Helen's pig, and Halil's reaction...
Finding Oscar the cat below the floorboards of the library... A relaxing Canadian evening with my neighbours... A rainy day with Paul Phelan in the Lake District, coming home on the coldest train in the world, and taking a cheeky trip to the Chinese Buffet... Sitting in Trof with my back to the worst comedian ever, laughing at Nicola, Lydia, and Em, me being the only one at the table who didn't have to hide the pain... Riding the Playstation and the Rollercoaster in Blackpool and watching Seb win eight million cuddly toys... Greg the Lege, if that's how you spell it... Blood on the wall, Mr Nasty's toastbitch, and realising just how funny Jim was... Endless smudging of graphite when drawing Behrens in fog for Helen, and then an eternal quest for hairspray -- after trying all the girls to no avail, discovering that Jens had four different types...
Staying in to watch The Princess Bride... Making the Holy Toast... All the letters Neil and I didn't send, especially the 'vernacular' one... Discovering the comedy potential of words such as 'rummaging', and of inappropriate allusions to the collection basket at mass... Gatherings in mine for tea at eleven... Discovering that Chinese people do use MSG in their cooking, as well as strange stuff that looks like marmite and appears to come in industrial canisters... Being fascinated by how green tights and brown boots can one year suit Dick Whittington, another year Peter Pan -- I can only imagine they'll get an airing some point as part of a Robin Hood outfit, doubtless creating an effect even foxier than the Disney cartoon... Clearing a bottle of gin in under three hours with Ben, purely because we had no milk for tea...
Doing my best to silence Paul's contempt for my apparent inability to cook by making what Marlisa described as her best meal ever... Helping Bill pack by torchlight, chatting away through the night... Gathering around the pond after dinner to peer for newts, with the other tutors, Elizabeth, John, and Jenny... Soup with the Chief, saving me from a budding bout of scurvy... Discovering that 'Manchester tart' was far from being a self-explanatory term, and actually involves bananas...
Walking round the grounds with Jack and Kieron, learning which tree was which... Learning that sometimes, as with Flat E one memorable evening, it's better to control parties rather than shutting them down altogether -- friendships can be made, and solo frisbee extravaganzas can be witnessed... Going to Goodison with Seb, one time cracking a terrifying 125 miles an hour on the way, and only ever seeing Everton lose once... Listening to Eddie preach in Platt, muttering darkly about PowerPoint, and returning to my own faith the following week... Having my arm squeezed as I fretted at my failure to appear when I expected on the BBC - and my subsequent sword-waving exploits...
Discovering the cage with Eddie, and speculating on what went on there... Going to see Boo Hewerdine for the first time, being entranced by his singing, and being astounded at how Shaw and I were surely the youngest people there... Endless late night Risk sessions, especially the Christmas peace game where nobody attacked anyone else for fear of upsetting Jens... Spanning corridors at the ceiling and waiting above friends' doors for them to answer my knocks... The casino night in the hall, with Julie dressed perhaps better than anyone I'd ever seen and Adina powerless to stop herself winning at roulette... The first time a letter of mine appeared on Neil Gaiman's website, and getting an e-mail from him myself... Thanh Mai's card last year, perfectly timed, completely unexpected, and absolutely spot on... Finding out through guiding Genevieve, that Manchester -- while still an ugly city -- has some amazing bits... Sitting with Jen, pouring over the photos from Oli and Jeannine's wedding and honeymoon... 'Tony Quarter', 'Blanket', 'It's crabs!', Jonathon Woss's spanner, and Alfonso at the disco...
Watching Dead Poets' Society, an unforgettable kiss, and later being told by Neil that I looked 'too happy'... The delight of arriving in the dining hall in the mornings to discover what L.A.F.F. had got up to, and finally catching said Liberation of Ashburne Furniture Front in the act of actually breaking the rules for their first time, with them promising me that they'd all own up if I got into any trouble as a result of their hilarious activities... Vladimir hosting a fabulous dinner party... Rhys's embarrassed attempts at balloon modelling...
Drinking games, God save somebody, malice in a bouncy castle, 'Bohemian Rhapsody', Koji topless, and Mads resting on my shoulder... Seeking out and finding the secret stairway with Charlotte and Jen... Late night sessions watching Quizmania with Amy and Bev... 'Greg, you must not say these things, they mean you are a bad person'... Colin the dog, whose woof was gruff... The best birthday present of my life, and the second-best present all told... Tramping around Sheavyn, selling tickets with Laura for a Halloween party... Getting drenched while readying the greatest party the dining hall has ever seen...
Trying to give advice in a room festooned with pants... Helping students with essays, just for the hell of it, since I knew nothing of physiotherapy or Cold War economics... Eddie and Hannah's wedding, surely one of the best days in all my time as an Ashburnian... Testing an orange to destruction with Rhys and Erdem... Watching someone carry on conversations with their food, day after day after day... Learning about cricket, and a sidesplitting drive to York with Dave and Jim before making our way to Headingley...
Answering a noise complaint and telling the tale of the worst tattoo in the world... Persuading Andreas to try a spoonful of marmite... Vicky and Jo's astounding double act on my birthday... Jens's comedy soundtrack as we played Jenga at a farewell party... Manipulating Sylvie's sign, and her irate responses... Debating theology late into the night with Eddie, Hannah, or Rose... Trying not to cry with laughter while watching Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead in Slems, and explaining the plot over the interval... The End of an Era, or if you like, the 'Cry Me A River' night...
Halil crawling through the smallest holes known to man... Picking my way through a carpet of pyjama-clad girls, all entranced by E.R.... Gemma fondly frowning at Olly as he adopted my impression of someone he hadn't realised was a friend of hers... Listening to Laura, Rebecca, Gareth, and Rob, and learning just how to show prospective students how good it can be to live in Sheavyn House... the day I discovered that for postal purposes videos are classed as either pornographic or non-pornographic, with Neil and I later cracking up at my History Channel exploits...
Being told by Paul Phelan that the Irish Independent had seen fit to quote me as a credible cultural commentator, taking Bryan McFadden to task for his spurious claims - and later getting my hands on the article in question, grinning at 'Author Greg Daly'... Entertaining Val at Reception with a potted and comedic rendition of the Iliad... Donning my cape for the first time, and learning how to swagger... Dave Kan falling asleep on a Dining Hall table as Jens entertained us on the piano... Letters from Neil and Tom, bringing tears to my eyes... Mike telling old army stories in his office... Composing the hall song while chatting to Cathy on messenger...
Sheltering from a birthday shower under a tree in Platt Fields... Vetting prospective tutors with Dave and realising that Anna had the makings of a great one... 'That which begins in honey ends in despair'... The same jokes about Christmas pudding every year... Catching a glimpse of the fox by moonlight... Annalise's unforgettable impressions of Rob... Guided tours round the places most people never see, and Stuart's comment about 'you young kids and your slang'... Being initiated into The Mighty Boosh... Giving life to Gerald, even if he didn't enjoy it much... The first night I saw Thea Gilmore play... Working out the hall musical, with words by me, music by Jens, and choreography by Marlisa... Hugo congratulating his friend on becoming Liechtenstein's head honcho... Chocolate cake in Trof, stumbling back, and cartwheels on the lawn... Anne-Marie cracking up over dinner as I did my best to describe Micropedia with actions and suitable allusions...
Blushing after I'd accidentally clapped too soon during a Christmas concert - and Marlisa's comment to Helen... Meeting Emma on Market Street after she'd entered the spider's lair... Returning with Jenny from an Eddie Izzard show, riding on a bus that surely broke some poor drunk's hand... Ducks aligned on the roof, ready to take off, barring one rather obstinate one... 19,000 words in three weeks, hammered out in a minimalist computer room and on a borrowed laptop... Debs's baby impression, especially it perplexing Elizabeth at dinner... Teaching Nicola the most basic waltz, rhumba, and cha cha cha steps, even if doing so left Amy aghast...
Coming back from Mirrormask, a Dave McKean Q&A, and an embarrassing trip to a sadly fallen bar with Em, to chat with Laura and her mum, whose hair will always make me smile... Watching Amy race Neil in the bunjee run... Buffy marathons in the Senior Common Room... Being shown Hannah and Adam's petition after it had been submitted, and being astounded and deeply touched at some of the names on it... Joining Helen to watch Nigel Kennedy at the Bridgewater... A 'secret tryst' in the mailroom... Finding the wonderful bestiary in the library... Ashley remarking on the look on my face before this year's ball, saying she'd never seen anything so sweet...
Oli's theory of 'weird sh*t'... Salmon cooked to perfection, usually by Sarah but once by the kitchen staff in honour of Anna Ford... Being woken by having my hair ruffled through an open window... Being asked, as a historian, whether I could help someone with her project on the history of solid waste management in Nigeria - needless to say, I couldn't... Standing outside the dining hall, listening to the piano, whether played by Jens, Rinta, or Neil... Chatting to Daniel for an hour through a barely open window, the netting draped round my face... Becky rushing back from her friends, saying she couldn't go out leaving me behind like that, and me frogmarching her back to them, forcing myself to go out, and having a phenomenal night... 'Ba da ba da ba dum dum Drac-ula!'... Jim's 'satisfaction for Madam' chart... Readying Alethea's farewell card, and being asked 'Greg, are you perving at me?'... Amy's offer, and a little nod from Emily...
A letter from the Accommodation Office, offering me the position of Assistant Warden -- don't worry, it was a mistake on their part... Watching Buena Vista Social Club and marvelling at the world's biggest cigar... Erica turning up for my birthday a day earlier than the other 44 people who came, and giving me some memory mints... Nicola being thrilled by 'A Study in Emerald'... An unexpected food parcel... The suds on Mads's arm... Exploring the bowels of Amazon, and then being delighted by the splendid gift that followed...
Fliss and Becky competing for hugs, with Becky's advice... The Revolution begins on Facebook... An evening of drinks on the lawn, sitting round the table with Neil, Jenny, and Maria... Eray cooking pasta... 'You'll like it here, it's really nice and the rooms are really big- oh. Yours isn't. It's not particularly bright, either'... Hotel hunting with Leila and Shaw... Comedy nights with Seb and Emily, and once with an annoying young yankee named Chuck... Sitting in the Common Room with 'Love Actually' swimming before my eyes... The Beast... Naomi's dress at the first medic ball... Startling Vina at the tea machine... Simon's Wildean toast-making... Morag's cd arriving in the post, and my being staggered by just how talented my friends could be... Lining those tea cups up... Adina and Dave's curious reinterpretation of 'Romeo and Juliet'... Aislinn bitterly remarking that she'd seen better Nativities... Jim as the master of the minions... 'This is the voice of Tamara'... Dave and Jim doing my shopping for me... Ro turning up drenched through...
My first review, in the TLS... A Snoopy card, and wondering whether 'Yo' was the right word... Conspiring with Rinta over The West Wing... John being summoned to mingle... 'Greg, the difference is that they're sleazy and pretend they're not, while you're not and pretend you are'... Learning to make Colcannon, and potato cakes too, even if I didn't make either often enough... On my prompting, Eddie reading C.S. Lewis' description of XMas in Niatirb at the Christmas concert one year, and Sarah reading a scientific perspective on Santa another... Having Becca help me back from Slems after a play party one year, and passing on the favour by helping Becky back from a play party a few years later...
A Sheavyn Assembly in Neil's room, with me sleeping on the couch afterwards... Being staggered, year after year, by the likes of Yvonne, Kate, and Mette's performances on the piano... Grease squirting from Adina's burger... Dinner with Sarah in the Renaissance... Rowing on Platt Pond... Finding my room labelled 'The Batcave' and the block festooned with pictures of Pavel and me as the Dynamic Duo... Luciano's credit card query... Helen's shock at the bareness of my room, scurrying away, and hurrying back with books, a cuddly toy, and a lava lamp... 'What? Greg? Doing work? This I have to see!'...
A nervous gambled question on a bus back from Fab, as I for once decided that we're never ready, that there's never a right time, and that sometimes all the reasons in the world why we shouldn't do something don't outweigh what might just be one reason that we should... Chinese cupping therapy, and an unfortunate bruise... The Gerber drinking tea on the lawn... 'Sod it, I'll put it on a bootstrap'... Andrew solving the computer conundrum that had plagued me since I'd bought the cursed machine... Lounging in the library late at night with Helen and Jens... Gerard eating more slowly than me, hell, more slowly than Uracha... Being thanked in the programme to the best produced play in my five years here... Neil's performing 'Hey Julie', as Jules sat between Neil's girlfriend and his ex... Wandering round a 24-hour Tesco with Dave at four in the morning...
Nabbing Rebecca's chair time after time after time... A bouncing ball in Castlefields... Dancing with Myrto in PoNaNa... Grabbing a train to Nottingham on the spur of the moment, and bumping into my neighbour in England's oldest pub... Sitting with Anne-Marie on the lawn, being rightly told that some things only become a problem if they become a problem... Choral evensong in Manchester cathedral, and Ben's comments about ruffs afterwards... Sam's mishaps with the air freshener... Showing Elizabeth that the yoghurts weren't smaller, they were just further away... Neil and I indulging in some tutorial aftercare with a secret trip to Bacup... Dave complaining of Erdem's assault on his culture, as our handsome Turkish friend tucked into a plate of microwaved noodles in chocolate sauce... Tapping away at Jenny's keyboard as she beavered away in the background... 'It's tooooo good!'...
A batch of Booshettes in specially adorned T-shirts, all of them coming home triumphant... Sheila's simple kindness... 'It's all just a wargame to him, isn't it?'... Becky and Clare exploding in giggles on the couch... Jens' letter to the TV license people... The one and only Chesney Hawkes... Eddie introducing us to Fab... Flatliners... Coming back after the holidays to discover the effects of three weeks' cabin fever on the likes of Erdem and Nikos... Making a deal, playing by new rules... Curling up to watch Casablanca... Trips to the Exchange with Jenny, marvelling at Emma Lowndes's hair... Marlisa and Helen discovering just how easy it was to make me blush... Rhys's Christmas dinner speech... 'Paul? Oh, yeah. He's our leader.'...
Dinner with Seb and Sandra... Dave Kan consuming a terrifying blend of yoghurt and coleslaw... 'I think you'll find that's a recent development'... Anna forcing Luciano to play 'Bamboleo'... Entropy and socks... An apple accidently going through Jenny's window... Emulating Tom Sawyer by pinging people's windows with pebbles - and I caught two young charmers trying to summon Neil in vain that way only a few hours ago... A phenomenal day where Hol and I managed to take in a play, dine at the the amazing Gurkha Grill, have a casual drink in Fuel, glance at the Eurovision scoring, watch Run Lola Run, and acquire the soundtrack... Brian's hair... Curious culinary concoctions in Andy's kitchen... Eddie's potatoes... 'You know, you probably shouldn't stand there rubbing your hands when the prospectives walk through the door'...
The magpie in the crow's nest... Unforgettable Christmas cards, especially one involving sprouts... Being lured to Mykonos by Andromache and the other Greeks... Haggis on toast... A dramatic race against time on Skype... Embracing on a bench, concealed by trees and darkness... First meeting Alberta, well before I knew she was a woman... Jane telling first Sarah and then me that she thought I was a brilliant tutor, something I'd never dreamed she thought... Lounging on the lawn with Olaf, chatting about books, and bookbuying...
Hannah's ecstatic phonecall at midnight one night, screaming with delight that Morag had ran through the pond, and then Holly calling moments later, only for me to answer as though Hannah were on the phone again... The kebabshop suicide pact with Dave Kan - and the night of the purloined bicycle... Late night backgammon sessions with Heinrich, with wacky RTE radio shows on in the background... Malcolm's phonecall... Carting a suitcase round the hall, then alcopops and icepops in a fire escape party... Maddie and Susie's great hall reunion of 01-02-03, even if outside Buckingham Palace was a terrible spot to rendezvous...
Turning on the computer after dinners to see just what the critics at Ash-burned Foods had written... Enlisting Jim's help in caring for a mortally injured squirrel... Eddie's embarrasment when called into the SCR by Dave, with little Jen poised to hop from one dining hall table to another... John's dry wit over dinner, and looking forward to eating as a group... Susie and Mads taking me under their wonderful wings... Marvelling at how many socks Rosemarie needed... A chocolate cake from Kiki, in apology for her Hellenic party noise... Telling the dodgiest joke I know to six people in one night, never having told it to a soul before... Feeding the ducks, ungrateful feathered fiends though they were, in Platt Fields... Chatting about Lolek and Bolek in the Common Room... Wandering the hall by torchlight, and accidentally locking myself into the dining hall... Ponderings over Jameson with Neil... Being astounded by Jo's petition, and the ballsiness of Jenny, Rebecca, Steph, and so many more...
Cumberland sausages in onion gravy... Maggie's mug, an uncessary compensation if ever there was one, and a fine one, still treasured... Vodka and cranberry, discreetly passed through a window... Returning from my unexpected and unintentional epic cycle last summer... 'I think you'll find the word is sausahhhj'... Advice from Hannibal Lecter... Being introduced to the music of Stephen Sondheim... Thwarting an Allen Hall invasion, with our assistant warden leading us our rally, as we unleashed volley after volley of snowballs onto their flank... Anna and me engaging in a spot of disaster management as the flood drove all the postgrads out of their homes... Jenny's room becoming our social hub one year, Becky's inheriting that mantle years later... Playing Settlers and Carcassone with Dave and Jim... Borrowing a shopping trolley so I could wheel my chair from Dane's Road to Ashburne, and giving my room a much needed finishing touch...
Laura laughing at my embarrassed but irrepressible grin, and telling me that I wasn't the only one smiling that way... Innumerable breakfast conversations, especially ones involving Robin Hood... Elaine's laugh in O.P., brightening every lunch, even the ones involving baked potatoes stuffed with pasta and with chips on the side... Shaw and Marlisa buying the same trainers as Jenny, starting their own little cult... Watching my first netball match, having resisted pleas to watch for a year, grinning while shaking my head, and making a discreet exit...
Being kept awake by the noise of Diarmait on the camp bed, and then wondering weeks later whether Holly had died there, her silence being so absolute... Trips to York, Lyme Park, and the home of Britain's biggest naan breads... Exploring artshops and bookshops with Dave, and watching 63 buses pass by as we waited for a Finglands... Singing the Adina song while strolling towards UMIST, and being asked what I would be like if I were normal... My first murder mystery, where I gained a jacket and laughed at Eve telling us about sea crossings and sticky passages...
Driving to Holyhead with Andy and Jens... Marlisa's reaction to her doorsign... The smell of bacon from the kitchen in my corridor, the unmistakable sign that Helen had come to visit Paul... Dance classes with Sarah, with Louise and Dan providing the very best of company... Being - shall we say - 'misled' about the result of a certain netball match... Gathering for Prison Break, sometimes watching it twice... Sheltering from the rain under the O.P. arch, chatting with a smoking Martyn... Ro and Cathy's quest for the sink... Bev the lege and Kev the wedge... Applying the lessons of Hall and Jerome to win by a penny an amazing chess set on E-Bay... 'I watched my father die in prison for something he didn't do!'... twice... Crashing up the stairs and into the dining hall in the heaviest boots in Christendom... Writing my job application with Holly - as well you know...
Hearing funny stories about Koji, Judith, PJ, and armies of others... Singing 'Under Pressure' in the library at exam time... Agonisingly bad jokes from the Chief, and a couple of classics from Rhys... A marvellous dinner in Elizabeth's honour, where the food was good and the conversation was far better... Making breakfast for Becca one painful morning... Watching Paul and Dave compete over flumps while playing 'chubby bunny'... Receiving Morag's magical sleep kit in the post, with a hilarious covering letter... Joining Paul for drinks with Seb after every meeting that had sucked the life from him... Teaching Eddie and Sarah how to play backgammon, and then being whupped by both of them - and beating Fran at it, but feeling guilty about it, as she seemed to have been misled about the rules... Chinese chats in the kitchen... Celebrating the 21st birthday of a friend exactly a decade younger than me... Working my way through the drinks shelf with Neil the other night...
A welcome dinner in Rikki Tikki Howeveryouspellit when I became a tutor -- a fine night with Emily, Jim, Adina, Dave, and James, Elizabeth having played a star role by doing duty for the evening... Exploding with laughter when I'd catch Neil's eye after a particularly inappropriate remark, and he'd murmur 'Greg, I'm going to hell'... Sitting on a bed, listening for hours to stories of Peru, looking at photos, not even realising how fascinated I was, and utterly clueless about where all this would lead... Armed with my own photo album, delighting Nadia, Oscar, and Crystal with the story that I normally refer to simply as 'The Paris Incident'... Long late nights quietly sitting chatting by the fire with Helen... Plotting Kazoo Moods II with Neil... Fighting the O.P. wind corridor too many times to count...
Florid restoration bows, especially when they evoked an urge to curtsey in response... Dragging a leaden Eddie off the common room floor... Eddie, Adina, and Neil all being conferred with their doctorates... Adopting Anthony's signature dish - Malaysian Chicken Curry - and making it my own... Jenny earning the accolade of puppetmaster to the puppetmaster... Turning a 5,000-year old hunk of wood into a conversation piece... The magic of Skype and long phone calls to my brother, Josh, and Denise, all for nowt... Perfectly poached eggs, and scrambling eggs with style and for a reason... Having squirrels invade my room - well, it was cute the first time...
Learning how a friend, who I'd heard might never be able to have children, had a baby daughter... Laura's cousin cooking for nine in my room - it's beyond me how he managed it or how we even managed to fit in... Too many nights at Squirrels... An awkward hug, cards being laid on the table, and a ticklish kiss... Dave's speech, right back in September 2001, about how we're all special, and how one of his fellow tutors started life as a sperm...
And that's not the half of it. There are bad memories too, of course, but they're nowhere near as plentiful. And regrets? I don't have many, to be fair. Well, I do, but most of them concern things I never had any control over. But of the ones I did? Yeah, I regret hurting deeply at least two people here who meant the world to me, I regret getting so angry at what was happening to the hall that I brought tears to the eyes of someone I hugely liked and respected, I regret being stupidly and selfishly late for one very special dinner, I regret friendships I've let drift and a couple of friendships that disintegrated, conversations I never had, work I didn't do, and people I never got to know properly.
And I never got to dance, or to kiss, or even just to stand on the roof of the dining hall.
But on the whole, it's been a blast.
Right, time to pack the van and head off. The future awaits.
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