07 January 2004

The Fellowship of the Drones

All this talk of valets has got me thinking. I know, I've not mentioned them online, but I've been wittering about them a lot lately, mainly with reference to my hatred of packing. A gentleman's gentleman would be just the thing, I feel.

Anyway, I can't help thinking that the Lord of the Rings films would have been greatly improved had Sam and Frodo been played by Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie respectively, and had the script been modified to allow that whole Jeeves and Wooster dynamic free rein.
'Oh Gandalf, you're not worrying about Sauron again?'
'Well, of course I am. Wouldn't you be?'
'No, I blasted well wouldn't. Can't you take a day off once in a while?'
Naturally, with Gandalf off the scene Frodo would take the opportunity to concentrate on sartorial matters, and what the 'Well-Dressed Hobbit about Middle Earth' is wearing this season:
'What ho, Sam, old chap! These cloaks Galadriel gave us are rather splendid, what?'
'Indeed, sir.'
'I think they'll go rather well with that mithril coat Uncle Bilbo gave me, don't you?'
'I think not, sir.'
Of course, it wouldn't be long until the two of them had to cope on their own:
'Sam, that wound I got on Weathertop still hurts.'
'Indeed, sir?'
'I don't like it, Sam.'
'A very understandable prejudice, sir. Might I enquire if it itches?'
And then there'd be meals to think of...
'Would you prefer breakfast on luncheon, sir, when you're dressed?'
'Oh... breakfast I think, Sam. And then second breakfast. No need to let standards drop.'
After which It'd be time to compliment the chef.
'That lembas bread, Sam. Very good. Very tasty.'
'Yes, sir?'
'Made, no doubt, by contented elves. And wrapped to perfection. Nor must I omit to give a word of praise to the fish. Old Gollum did a fine job catching it, what? I think Gandalf may have had him wrong all along!'
'Respectfully, sir, I must disagree. He is, I feel, not to be trusted.'
I can just see our heroes staggering up Mount Doom:
'I say, Sam, do you think we shall ever see the Shire again?'
'The contingency is remote, Sir.'
Sorry. I'll stop now. Tea is needed.

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