Christmas Crackers: My Finest Moment

In which the Thirsty Gargoyle makes good on a recent threat, and posts the bulk of the bad jokes he had sent Lucy and Dara, two beloved friends, for their festive nuptial crackers!

Q: What did the balloon teacher say to the balloon student in the balloon school?
A: You’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down, you’ve let the whole school down.

That one's courtesy of a good friend whose also my superior at work, and a man with an impressive track record of sauntering around Manchester in his birthday suit.

Q: What goes ‘ooo’?
A: A cow with no lips.

One of Ed's, I fear.

Q: Have you seen the dog bowl?
A: No, but he’s good at batting.

1st sheep: Baaa.
2nd sheep: Baaa.
3rd sheep: Moo.
1st sheep: I beg your pardon?
2nd sheep: Why did you say that?
3rd sheep: Oh, I’m learning a foreign language.

Two goldfish in a tank. One of them says: ‘Do you know how to drive this?’

Q: What do you do if you see a blue frog?
A: Stop and cheer it up.

A polar bear goes into the bar and sits at the counter. The barman says ‘Can I help you, sir?’
‘Yeah, sure, I’d like a pint of . . . . . Guinness, please.’
‘Certainly. Why the big pause?’

Yes, that is a joke. Say it out loud.

Six golf clubs go into a bar. Five of them sit down round a table, and one goes up to the counter. ‘Can I help you, sir?’ asks the barman.
‘Em, yeah, give us five pints of Guinness for the lads, and, em, a Britvic orange.’
‘Are you not having a pint yourself?’
‘Ah no. I’m driving.’

My brother Liam is wholly responsible for that; he made it up while cycling across America; the previous one is merely one he related to me.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A: ‘Here comes a herd of elephants coming over the hill.’
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses and raincoats coming over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn’t recognise them.

I have Brendan McGrath to thank for those.

Two parrots are standing on a perch. One of them says: ‘Can you smell fish?’

I've known this for years, but this is distinctive as the only joke my friend Jenny actually knows.

Two cannibals are eating their dinner, and one of them says ‘I hate to say it, but I really don’t think much of your girlfriend.’
‘Well, just eat your chips, so.’

And thank you, Chris O'Reilly, wherever you are...

‘Doctor, I keep having alternating dreams. First I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee. Then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee. What’s going on?’
‘You’re clearly too tense.’

Q: What do you call a clever blonde?
A: A Labrador.

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

I don't think any of those last three were used. Rightly, I feel.

Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman?
A: Park, man.

Still Alison's favourite joke.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A fish.

‘Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
‘Oh, that’s nothing to worry about. You’ve probably just got Tom Jones syndrome.’
‘Is that common?’
‘Well, it’s not unusual.’

I have no idea where I first came across that. I remember telling it to the girls in Bilbao back in August 1999, though. In a bad Welsh accent.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Sorry, that's blatantly one that's been floating around the wb for ages, and keeps being attributed to Peter Kay.

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A bonus bad joke, generated by my Calgarian buddy Josh, but thoroughly unsuitable for weddings would be:

Q: What’s the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A: One sings ‘Hey you get off my cloud’ and the other shouts ‘Hey. McLeod, get aff my ewe!’