Noseybonk Returns

So, today being April Fool's Day, I was tempted to write a post all about how my cursed war is finally over, how my friends and I have been apologised to, how a couple of people have been dismissed with one reported to the police and a raft of others have resigned, and how I've been compensated properly for the two years of nonsense I've had to struggle through.

And then I thought, no, only children and journalists do that sort of nonsense. And the Powers That Be at YouTube, it seems.

The Brother popped up on Skype earlier. 'Have you been to YouTube UK today?' he asked, 'Go there: http://uk.youtube.com/ and pick a video - any video.'

So I did, and clicked at random on the first video, only to be rick-rolled straight to Mr Astley singing how he was never going to give you up, let you down, run around and desert you, let alone a host of other caddish acts.

As it happens, the video I'd tried to click on featured Noseybonk, scourge of a million childhood dreams, pottering about in a greenhouse, where he appears to be carefully raising a batch of those phallus plants that adorn the occasional fifth century Athenian vase.*

Do you remember Noseybonk? If you're too young to do so, then you should be glad of that fact.

But if you're thirty-ish, and British or Irish, and if you don't remember the phallus-faced nightmare, then you've clearly blocked him out, in an attempt to protect yourself from the traumatic memories.

Noseybonk used to appear on Jigsaw, a problem-based children's BBC show that ran from 1979 to 1984. It was presented by Adrian Hedley, a gifted mime who presumably doubled as Noseybonk, and Janet Ellis, mother of Sophie Ellis Bextor. Janet Ellis was replaced towards the end by Howard Stableford who took over the characters that she used to play and also played the improbably-named Gregory Growlong.

Yes, Gregory Growlong and Noseybonk. They didn't skimp on the innuendo back then, did then?

So anyway, leaving aside the jaunty tune, Noseybonk was a sinister figure with a deathly white head, bulging eyes, a manic grin, and an enormous nose, impeccably dressed in morning clothes and strangely reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange.

Like Freddie Krueger he's been hiding himself away in our nightmares for over years, but it seems that he's back. And this time even the fridge isn't safe...
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* I can't find any pictures of such vases online, but if you don't believe me get yourself down to the library to check out Sir Kenneth Dover's Greek Homosexuality.